As Im sitting here trying to write this post I am pretty much a blubbering mess. The past couple days have been rather difficult. To sum it up, apparently I have not been taking the title of this blog to heart. It sounds great and all, but when you get down to the nitty gritty, HOW do you achieve balance? The scenario looks like this: my post op instructions were to not lift; push or pull any weight greater than 10 lbs for 4 weeks. To the moms of young kids out there I know this sounds crazy and near impossible. Thats what I initially thought too, but we set up a plan that included Todd being off work and my parents coming to help. Everything was going swimmingly and even though I was definitely in pain I was recovering nicely and mostly enjoying the down time.
Then came the inevitable shift in my brain and body when I wanted and “needed” things to go back to a certain level of normal. I wanted the kitchen to be cleaned the way I wanted it. I wanted to be able to scoop my two year old up when she was crying to comfort her. The kicker came when I went into our garage and was immediately overwhelmed with the need to organize and cleanup. One thing led to another and I ended up pushing the side of a crib (more than 10 lbs) around to get it out of my way! After that I feel like things have been going downhill. I felt a lot of pain on one side after “the incident” and followed up with my Dr. Turns out there is a possibility that I did cause some permanent damage but we won’t know for months in the future! On top of that I am in more pain than I probably would have been at this point in recovery which limits me even more with being a support to my family. The cherry on top is that my mom had to leave today(she had already stayed many days past what was the plan) and I am freaking out about handling the next 2 weeks without an extra set of hands.
Phew!! Thats the story in a nutshell. The thoughts, feelings, and emotions that are coming up as a result have basically been knocking me on my booty ever since. They come in consistent, strong waves. Taking shape mostly in the form of anger at myself and why I would do something so unnecessary to jeopardize the recovery. Then at times I regret having done the procedure at all because it has been such an ordeal for the entire family. The main thing I do is replay the moment of pushing the crib over and over again in my head. To the point where it is truly becoming debilitating.
Ultimately I feel like it boils down to a few basics that might help me get through this and perhaps come out stronger on the other side. Truly finding a way to let go of the past and move on to focusing on what I can control: the present. Just taking one day at a time and doing my best to not make the current situation worse, but gradually better is about where I am at. I feel like it scares me to put myself in the throws of the four kids during dinner time because I inevitably end up doing more physically than I should. However my mom and husband are helping me to understand that the reality is at this stage I am able to do small tasks. Its a matter of listening to my body and not pushing beyond what I can handle. I have NEVER been any good at that concept. I feel like I have 2 speeds: 0 or 60….hmmmm….can we say BALANCE!??! seriously this is crazy timing to be starting this blog but it also makes me stop to think that maybe everything does happen for a reason. Perhaps when I am fully healed and back to my old self, I can remember this trying time and think to myself how I can continually find my personal center, my sense of balance in a world where it is all too easy to find ourselves out of sync. I believe it will be an ongoing process and not just a one time deal. Heres to the journey being a marathon and not a sprint!
Everyone is going to face challenges in this life. No matter what that means for you in your own experience the hard part is to function, stay strong and come out better for it on the flip side. That is my goal with my current predicament! Thanks for letting me vent! Honestly writing has become a sort of therapy for me and I appreciate the support.